Edward's Punishment
by increak96
Summary: It is NOT a normal day at Central, but why  of all people  is Edward the only one acting normal? WARNING: CRACKFIC! It might LOOK like it's going to turn into a yaoi near the end, but it won't. I'm anti-yaoi, so no worries! ONESHOT!


Edward knew something was wrong the moment he stepped out of his bedroom and started towards the Colonel's office. Was it the unfamiliar, cheery attitude of the personnel? Or was if the birds singing extra loud? Maybe it was Alphonse still asleep on the bed, but maybe it wasn't.

Edward continued down the hall, determined to find out what was wrong with everyone. He was just about to turn down a corridor towards Mustang's office when Riza Hawkeye pranced by wearing… A MINISKIRT? AND SINGING?

"I'm a girl, and by me that's only great! I am proud that my silhouette is curvy, that I walk with a sweet and girlish gait! With my hips kind of swivelly and swervy."

As Riza disappeared down the hall, Edward found himself wanting to hide, but he followed her anyways, and as he turned to the corner, he was horrified to see Havoc has joined her, singing as they skipped in circles.

"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!" Havoc belted out, laughing his head off as they continued down the hall together.

Edward swallowed hard and turned around, starting once again towards the Colonel's office. He ran into Maes Hughes on the way there and snagged his arm.

"Hey, have you noticed how Riza and Havoc were acting today? It's a little strange if you ask me."

"I don't think anything's strange." Hughes shrugged. "Do you know why?"

Edward shook his head.

"Because…." Hughes threw his hands up. "Mr. Sun came up, and he smiled at me!"  
>"Oh no…" Edward groaned.<p>

"He said it's gonna be a good one just wait and see! Jumped out of bed, and I ran outside, feeling so excited—stratified! It's the beeeeest daaaaay eeeeeveeeeer!" Hughes dashed down the hall, jumping off of the wall and screaming for joy.

Edward walked towards the Colonel's office a little faster than before—determined that if anybody was sane today—it was Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang.

Winry suddenly skipped by him, and his eyes bugged out. She was head to toe pink and glitter—and what was she even doing here?

"Winry?"

She waved, giggling. "Oh, hi, Ed! I came by to tell you I can't do your automail anymore. I've decided machinery scares me and the oil is too… um… what's that word?"

"Greasy?" Edward tried, dumbfounded at her statement and unable to come up with anything better.

"No, that's not it." She shrugged, giggling again. "Oh, well! I'm sure I'll think of it if I skip faster!" She started down the hall, skipping as fast as she possibly could—which was rather fast—and turned a corner, leaving Edward's sight.

He took a deep breath and looked down at himself.

_*I'm not in a hospital gown, so I'm not injured and on any medication that could give me hallucinations.* _He breathed into his hand and then sniffed it._ *Nobody spiked my drink this morning, and as far as I know, I'm not drugged.* _

He took a deep breath and started down the hall again. "It's alright. Just go to Mustang. He'll be able to explain it, the annoying jerk that he is. He knows everything."

No longer was he walking, rushing, or even jogging to Mustang's office. No, he was running. Full-fledged running. He threw the door open and dashed in, slamming it behind him.

Roy glanced up from his paperwork. "You're late, Fullmetal."

Edward breathed a sigh of relief, thankful Roy was at least himself. He wouldn't even mind the short jokes if that's what it meant to fine somebody sane!

"Yeah, sorry about that. Everyone was acting really weird."

Roy nodded. "I've noticed that, too." He looked Ed up and down. "Wow! You've really grown, Ed!"

Edward froze. "I've what?"

Roy looked down, blushing. "Well—Well, you see. I wanted to compliment you because… well, I'm not really myself today either." He walked over to the door and locked it, dimming the lights. "Or maybe, for once, I really am myself. Edward… I…" Edward suddenly found himself pinned down to the floor, with Roy straddling his hips and smirking at him. "I love you, Edward."

Edward took a moment to stare in horror, and then he struggled and screamed, but Roy held him down. He leaned down to Edward's ear, whispering softly.

"I know what you're hiding, Edward."

Edward froze, and then jumped up, running straight through the door rather than trying to unlock it.

"OH, ED!" Winry shouted out. "I REMEMBERED THE WORD! OILY!"

Riza and Havoc both grabbed him as he passed, skipping in circles and dragging him along. "We feel pretty! Oh, so pretty!"

"IT'S THE BEEEEEST DAAAAAAY EEEEEVEEEEEER!" Hughes prances around them, throwing flowers in the air.

"What's going on, Ed?" Alphonse asked, coming down the hall. "By the way, I think we should start eating Chinese. They cook cats, you know, and I hear cat is good."

Edward screamed, running down the hall as fast as he could. "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON IN THIS CRAZY HOUSE! I'M INNOCENT I TELL YOU! INNOCENT!"

Roy got up off of the floor and dusted himself off as the lights came back on. He smiled over his shoulder at Maes, Winry, Riza, and Havoc.

He pointed to Riza. "Hawkeye, have someone repair the door."

"Yes, sir!" Riza saluted and moved to the phone to call the repair service.

"Hughes, go check on Ed and take Winry with you."

They both saluted and ran out, and Roy turned to Havoc. "Havoc, you can get my paperwork for the morning." He made sure Riza wasn't listening before he whispered. "And burn it."

Roy sat down and sighed heavily. "That was rather enjoyable. I did quite like the scream that was higher than Winry's has ever been."

Havoc chuckled, putting the paperwork down, knowing if he really did burn it, he would face Hawkeye's Wrath. "Yeah. We heard it. Did it work?" Havoc asked.

Roy nodded, picking up his pen. "Yes, I'm fairly sure it did."

Havoc watched him file papers, saying quickly, "Can I have some when you're done?"

"Sure thing." Roy nodded.

"What did he have again?" Riza asked.

"Oh, nothing much. But I don't think he'll be stealing my miniskirt magazines for quite a long time."


End file.
